Over the past year, I've realized that I am quite an anxious person. Now, no one would know this as I project professionalism at work and a calm at home, but it is true. I'm not a blow-in-a-paper-bag anxious person. I'm not a screaming or high drama anxious person. I'm more of a analytical, keep it inside, isolationist, type of an anxious person.
This has a lot to do with expectations of others on me,whether stated, implied, or assumed. It has to do with
When you are a child you really have no control over what happens in your life. You are at the mercy of all those who are in charge of making decisions. Life happens to you and hopefully you survive with few scars and much empathy. You embrace the day you finally do have a say in your own life. You make choices, live with your decisions, and make different choices when things are no longer working. In essence, you become a responsible adult.
This is what I thought everyone did. Not true. Look around. It is a scary thing to do. Adults making bad decisions over and over again, creating and seeking out drama, refusing to take responsibility for their choices, blaming others for their situation, and expecting others to fulfill them. The list goes on and on. Their children are reflections of them. That's a scary thought for the future.
Due to the prevalence of this type of person in society, I have to have it together or be drawn into the same unpredictability and emotional roller coasters I encountered as a youth. Therefore, I make decisions, get tasks done, guide others, teach others, do my share and more, find a way to finish the job, and do it all while playing peacekeeper and keeping everyone content and monitoring their emotional status. It is exhausting and it underlies my anxiety.
I resigned from my job a couple years ago. I finished my masters degree. I should be back in the workforce. I want to find fulfilling work, however, I do not want to be responsible for other people's behavior. I don't want to control it, manage it, direct it, or be a victim of it; at work or at home.
All of those things bring me great anxiety. I have trouble sleeping at night. Always have. I analyze, remember, plan, and worry about many things. Usually those things are other people's actions, reactions, or expectations. I cognitively understand I have no control over any of those things.
Your temper, meltdown, or breakdown, is beyond my control and yet I must somehow keep balance in the universe because if not, then those things will burst forth from you and spill over to me. Experience has shown me that your toxic emotional waste will affect me in some way which will likely be worse than the energy required to keep you together.
One such experience was the initial impetus for the heart palpitations that begin about a year before I resigned. Specifics are not included as it would benefit no one.
The heart palpitations were a gift. They set me on the road to prayer over whether to leave my position. They first alarmed me as a health concern but I quickly realized they were in response to my job, or more specifically, going back to work after the week end.
The fibromyalgia symptoms became worse which was also a nudge from God to really consider where I was and why. Several other 'signs' were made clear to me as answers to my prayers of where my life path should be at that time. I clearly knew He had led me into the position six years prior and now I knew He was leading me out. The position was honorable but I had to trust God's direction. Clearly I had served my purpose there, and it was time to move on.
During my degree work, I became aware of healthy and unhealthy anxiety. Anxiety in response to an assignment deadline was different then anxiety for an unknown reason. The assignment was in my control. I was able to complete the task and meet my standards for the outcome. The anxiety was a motivator that heightened my senses and energized me. Unhealthy anxiety was in response to unknowable factors: mostly other people.
What would their mood be? Would they be welcoming or standoffish? Would they ask for information? Would they expect me to volunteer? Would they want me to chair or lead a group? Would they want to tell me their problems and want professional or personal advice? Would they expect humor, intelligence, calming words? This type of anxiety has increased in my life over the last ten years. Total strangers feel the need to tell me their life stories and intimate details I do not need to know.
Anxiety makes me different than who I really am. At home, I am funny, intelligent, artistic, talented, creative, reflective, helpful, hardworking, steady, stable, dependable, and supportive. I am fun. I often make up songs on the fly, sing and dance with my teenager, display a quick wit, and am a competitive and enthusiastic board game player. I love to travel, hike, try new things, and learn. I enjoy a glass of wine occasionally or a beer after mowing but am not a bar-hopping party person. I enjoy my life; except for the anxiety.
In my previous position, I felt like I lost the fun me. Anxiety steels my fun side. Co-workers sense this. They come to me for all the other things but I am seldom included in the fun. All of their expectations keep me from relaxing and showing that side. All of their expectations make me anxious.
It is not all 'their' fault. I have high expectations for myself personally and in my profession. I want to be competent, knowledgeable, and professional. The job demands it and I demand it from myself. That is the aura that surrounds me and one that benefits my co-workers and others. If I don't know the answer, I'm willing to put the effort in to find it. I will put the effort in to do things the right way and apply best practices. Others then see me as someone to rely on. I am stable, consistent, and dependable. However, it does not equate with fun.
The expectations preclude the anxiety and the anxiety prohibits relaxation and with no relaxation there is no fun. So I am left with anxiety. There is some of this anxiety at home, too. There is a temper or two in this house and a few things they believe only mom can do, however, I have had years of it and am able to somewhat predict and avert it although this too, is exhausting.
I have no idea who I would be if I could just be me. I tend toward calmness, quietness (except when dancing and jamming to 80's music), and nature. I like lists to accomplish the have-tos and wish lists to work toward the want-tos. I like a good laugh at no ones' expense. I talk to God often and rely on His Spirit to guide me in the little things and the big things.
The anxiety is not from God.
God is the reason I can be emotionally steady, behaviorally stable, and dependable. He calms my anxiety. He is predictable with His love, acceptance, and presence. A busy life that takes me away from Him, allows anxiety to consume more of my thoughts and actions than I want. There will always be some anxiety in life as unknowns will always be a part of our future, but I want that anxiety to be one that heightens my awareness. I could do with less anxiety that revolves around me living up to some one's expectations of who I am and what I can do for them.
Recognizing that I have issues with unhealthy anxiety makes me more aware that others may also. Awareness allows me to reflect on the expectations that I put on others. I've started taking time to work some small talk in before making a request, even on the telephone. I never wanted to waste peoples' time before so I would try to be efficient and get to the point. I now see how the small effort on my part allows both of us to relax a bit before delving into the 'reason' for the encounter.
I've given up on inviting people over or to go do things, for now anyway. Those invites, though always accepted, sometimes more than once, were seldom reciprocated. I tend to take that as rejection, but perhaps it was their anxiety interfering. So as I work on not being all things to all people, I understand that others' temper, meltdown, or breakdown, is beyond my control and I will no longer try to keep balance in the universe. I can just walk away; or skip, because that is much more fun.
